5 Strategies to Set Healthy Boundaries: Second-Generation AAPI Edition

There is a challenge for second-generation AAPI diaspora members to set boundaries, yet it is an essential skill to have. Our generation navigates our heritage and what we have learned from society. Our families and communities within the AAPI diaspora have always prioritized the collective over the individual, thus saying “no” or “maybe later” can be difficult.

Dr. Jenny Wang is the author of Permission to Come Home, a book that centers on the AAPI diaspora and their mental health needs. Her quote about boundaries—is something that second-generation AAPI diaspora members can learn from.

Dr. Jenny Wang quote of When we assert boundaries, we are saying “Yes, you matter, but we matter too”.

In the context of the AAPI community, Dr. Wang’s statement speaks volumes. In AAPI diaspora culture, we are asked to prioritize the collective needs over ourselves. We live by the values of respect, selflessness, and harmony and realizing that boundary-setting can be difficult, especially when it comes to navigating family dynamics and expectations.

Though it can be difficult to realize the importance of setting boundaries, it is essential to maintain our own mental health and well-being. We grew up learning to defer to our elders and keeping the familial peace, however it comes at the cost of learning how to assert ourselves and take up space. Learning how to set healthy boundaries reiterates Dr. Wang's quote and helps prevent burn out. It makes us better people- for ourselves and all the various roles we play. In this post, we'll explore five strategies to help set effective boundaries within the AAPI context, improve self-care, and maintain positive relationships.

Recognize Your Worth

To begin, it is important for us to recognize that we are just as worthy of care as we dedicate to our families and communities. Many within the AAPI community are raised with a strong sense of duty to family and community, often putting others’ needs before their own. However, it’s important to remember that your well-being matters too. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish; it’s an act of self-respect. By recognizing that you deserve to prioritize your needs, you can prevent burnout and improve your overall mental health.

Reflection Prompts:

• From Dr. Wang’s quote, how does the section “I matter too” sit with you?

• How can you begin to incorporate this mindset into setting healthy boundaries in relationships? 

Communicate Boundaries Clearly

For many AAPI individuals, direct communication can be challenging due to cultural expectations of politeness and indirectness. Individuals within the Asian American diaspora are often taught not to “talk back,” and being assertive isn’t commonplace. However, there is importance in being able to be clear and assertive about your needs. Start by setting expectations using language like, “I need some time for myself,” or “I can’t help right now, but let’s plan for another time.” This clear communication can help prevent misunderstandings and ensure others respect your boundaries.

Because of how we are taught to act within our families and communities, it may feel difficult to say or even think about these things. But as Dr. Wang points out in her quote, setting boundaries isn’t just for yourself—it’s also for the people you love and care about. By prioritizing your own needs, you are creating the foundation for thriving within your loved ones.

For more information on this step, Clarity with Therapy provides a wonderful guide for you to peruse and use.

Stay Consistent with Your Boundaries

Standing firm and consistent with your boundaries is important to keeping them. It can feel uncomfortable at first, almost selfish, as the many in the AAPI diaspora have never done anything like this. It may be uncomfortable at first, especially in family or community contexts where boundaries may not be understood. However, staying firm in your boundaries over time helps others learn to respect your limits. Remember, your mental health and well-being must be a priority.

Set Boundaries with Compassion

Looking back at Dr. Wang’s quote, remember that setting boundaries co-exists as a good thing for you and the loved ones you are setting boundaries for. Within some of the AAPI diaspora where togetherness and sacrifice, the way the boundaries are set matters.  Setting boundaries but staying respectful is important. For example, saying, “I need some alone time to recharge so I can be more present with the family,” helps maintain relationships while still honoring your boundaries.

Practice Self-Compassion When Setting Boundaries

Remember that at first, setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially when it feels like it goes against traditional cultural expectations, and that internal conflict is okay. It will take time and be a process. Over time, it becomes easier to prioritize yourself while still being able to be an active and caring member of your family and community.

DearTherapy Invitation

Setting boundaries will take time, but with compassion, it can be a journey well worth going on—especially within the AAPI diaspora. Which of the strategies mentioned in this post resonates with you the most? Comment below and share your first step in setting boundaries with your family.