Dear Therapy Readers,
To cut off or not to cut off family ties? That's the question, isn't it?
It's one of the most common questions our clients and community members bring to therapy. It comes up most for people with a long history of conflict and complicated relationships with their nuclear and extended family.
At Dear Therapy, we don't tell you what to do. We're here to support you as you process your upbringing, your relational dynamics, the life you envision for yourself, and your own coming of age through each stage of life.
Why cutting ties with family feels so heavy in collectivist cultures
Deciding whether to cut ties with family is especially hard in collectivist cultures, including Asian diaspora, immigrant, queer, and BIPOC communities. In these communities, our collective identity is deeply woven into who we are and how we relate to ourselves and others.
You may feel pulled between:
Family duty, loyalty, and respect for elders
Protecting your mental health and boundaries
Guilt, shame, or fear of being judged by your community
Grief for the family relationship you wish you had
These feelings are valid. You don't have to sort them out alone.
How your attachment style shapes family relationships
One helpful lens for exploring family conflict is attachment style. Attachment styles form in childhood and shape how we connect with others as adults. There are four main styles:
Secure: You feel safe with closeness and can set boundaries.
Anxious: You may worry about rejection and seek reassurance.
Avoidant: You may pull away from closeness to protect yourself.
Disorganized: You may want closeness but also fear it, often after inconsistent or frightening caregiving.
Understanding your attachment style can shed light on why certain family interactions feel so painful, and why the decision to stay or step back feels so complicated.
Can attachment styles change? Yes.
Some people believe that attachment styles rooted in childhood are hard to change. At Dear Therapy, we believe in the power of neuroplasticity: your brain's ability to rewire itself by forming new connections with its neurons and regulate your nervous system, despite trauma or related injuries. With support, new patterns can lead to growth, healing, and healthier relationships.
Family stress during the holidays
The holiday season often brings family conflict to the surface. Gatherings, expectations, and old roles can make it harder to know what you want from your family relationships.
Talk to a culturally responsive therapist in Massachusetts
If you're having a hard time processing your family relationships, especially this holiday season, connect with one of our therapists today. Together, we can explore your attachment style and help you gain clarity and insight into your family of origin's history, culture, and dynamics.
Our team offers virtual individual sessions in English, Cantonese, Toishanese, Mandarin, Urdu, Hindi and Korean across Massachusetts.
Book a free consultation or Request A New Client Appointment Today!
Common Q&As
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There's no single right answer. Some people set firmer boundaries, some reduce contact, and some step away completely. A therapist can help you weigh your safety, values, and culture before you decide.
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Guilt is common, especially in cultures that value family duty and respect for elders. Therapy can help you separate guilt from responsibility and set boundaries that fit your values.
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Yes. Therapy offers a space to process grief, anger, and confusion, whether you're considering estrangement, are already estranged, or hope to reconnect.
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Yes. Through neuroplasticity, the brain can form new patterns. Supportive relationships, including therapy, can help you move toward more secure attachment.
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Our team offers virtual individual sessions in English, Cantonese, Toishanese, Mandarin, Urdu, Hindi and Korean across Massachusetts.
Book a free consultation or Request A New Client Appointment Today!
